classification: comedy
for those of you who are not "fortunate" enough
to live in california, here is a copy of the california driver's exam, and
for those of you who do, study real hard. this is a new exam. since driving
conditions (and culture) are unique in los angeles, you may not have realized
that the california department of motor vehicles has now issued a
special application and driver's test solely for the los angeles metropolitan
area.
here it is:
greater los angeles area driver's
license application:
name:___________________ stage name: ____________________
agent:___________________
attorney:_______________________
 | sex: ___male
___female ___ formerly male ___ formerly female ____both
if female, indicate breast implant
size: _______
|
| will the
size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any
way? yes___ no
___
|
| please list brand of cell phone:
________.
if you don't own a cell
phone, please explain:________________________
|
| please check hair color:
females:
[ ] blonde
[ ] platinum blonde
teenagers: [ ] purple [ ] blue [ ]
skinhead
|
| please check activities you perform
while driving: (check all that apply)
[ ] eating
[ ] applying make-up
[ ] talking on the phone
[ ] slapping kids in the
back-seat
[ ] applying
cellulite treatment to thighs
[
] tanning
[x] snorting cocaine
(already checked for ease of application)
[ ] watching tv
[ ] reading variety
[ ] surfing the net via laptop
|
| please indicate how many times
 | you expect to shoot at other
drivers _____ |
|
how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
|
|
| if you are the victim of a carjacking, you should
immediately:
| call the police
to report the crime |
| call
channel 4 news to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase |
| call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911
call not going through |
| call
your therapist |
| none of the
above (south central residents only)
|
|
| in the
event of an earthquake, should you:
| stop your car |
| keep
driving and hope for the best |
| immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones |
| pull out your video camera and
obtain footage for channel 4
|
|
| in the instance of
rain, you should:
| never
drive over 5 mph |
| drive twice
as fast as usual |
| you're not
sure what "rain" is
|
|
| please indicate number of
therapy sessions per week: ______.
|
| are you
presently taking any of the following medications?
| prozac |
| zovirax |
| lithium |
| zanax |
| valium |
| zoloft |
| *if none, please
explain: __________________.
|
|
| length of
daily commute:
| 1
hour |
| 2 hours |
| 3 hours |
| 4 hours or more
|
|
| when stopped by police, should you:
| pull over and have your driver's
license and insurance form ready |
| try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 freeway |
| have your video camera ready and provoke
them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit. |
|
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